The Birth of Happy

This is the story of Happy’s home birth, as generously shared by his amazing mama:

It was around 3pm on Saturday, May 9th that I started to feel some regular sensations in my belly. I had just come out of a hypnosis type guided meditation to stimulate labor when I started feeling it. Nothing major or intense, just a tightening and release feeling that started to become familiar. My first two births were standard hospital procedure including epidurals - somehow I managed to never feel a single contraction during either one. So I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling were actually contractions. I tried googling if what I was feeling was a contraction but was still unsure so I called my midwife. She listened to me over the phone and could tell by the timing and sound of my voice that I was having light contractions and suggested I go for a walk.

Me and Justin walked for about 30 minutes while our kids played in a sprinkler in the front yard. The walk turned uncomfortable pretty quickly. I was feeling a really intense sensation in my sides - like a really strong side stitch.

I got home and relaxed in the bath and invited the sensations to keep coming.

Things started picking up around 6pm. (I may be off by an hour or so...wasn’t keeping track of the time). After talking again to my doula and midwife we felt it was time to start timing things. This is when things got screwy for me. I downloaded a contraction timer app and got so fixated on timing everything that I actually nearly halted the labor process. I was so in my head and so confused on what was a contraction vs something else. I was getting really analytical and finding it hard to just surrender.

I remember feeling so confused and frustrated. I knew I was supposed to call my birth team once the timing of contractions reached a certain interval. I was super worried about calling my birth team too early, then feeling like a major inconvenience to everyone because I got the timing wrong and them just having to sit there and wait for me.

I found myself getting really irritated anytime I was asked about timing because I felt like I couldn’t time things right and was failing somehow.

When I talked to my midwife again she immediately sensed this. She listened and realized that labor progressed for me when I was in my body vs my mind. Sensations were brought on by things like walking, meditating and relaxing. So she said she was coming over so she could take the job of timing off of me and just let me be. Just knowing she was coming brought the sensations back.

By the time she arrived - about 30 minutes after we spoke, contractions started getting regular again. I think this was around 8pm. Not painful, but a regular wave of tightening accompanied by a mild, menstrual like cramping.

We headed to my room, I turned on some music and a salt lamp and we just hung out. She observed me in a non clinical way. Just sat with me like a friend and took note of my state without me having to tell her what I was feeling. This helped tremendously. I remember feeling like she was an angel. My heart was so overcome with love for her.

During this time Justin called our dear friend Laurana to come over and be with the girls because we were pretty sure labor was starting. It was important for us to have someone who the girls love and trust (that had also been diligently following self quarantine) during the birth. LaLa is also a licensed massage therapist and reiki master so I knew she’d be a great energy to have at the house for me too.

After an hour or two my midwife and I both agreed that things weren’t really progressing. And we both sensed that my body just really wanted to rest and go to bed. She said she was going to go home but to call her if things picked up. She assured me that if labor was going to happen it would pick up even if I tried to sleep. And if it wasn’t going to happen, then I could allow myself to drift off and surrender to labor happening some other day soon.

About ten minutes after she left, I started feeling serious contractions - around 10:45pm. And this time it was intense. Justin had gone to take a nap and LaLa was with my girls in their bedroom. I had about 4 contractions laying in bed by myself and I started to get scared. I remember feeling so alone and so in pain. And then I realized all I had to do was ask for help. I knew Justin was still sleeping and that LaLa was literally a few feet away in the next room. So I texted her and asked her to come sit with me. I was nearly in tears because of the pain by the time she came into my room. She immediately went into healer mode and started helping me breathe. I asked her if she could just pay attention to the timing without me having to tell her when one was starting and ending because I didn’t want to get in my head again. So she put her hands on my body and rode the waves with me while noting the time. She realized they were coming on quick so she called my midwife, and then my midwife called the rest of my team and they all headed to the house.

While we were waiting on the team to arrive LaLa woke Justin and the two of them helped me through each contraction. I stripped down and got in the bath. They were both holding my hands and coaching me - Helping me to breathe and keep my mind in a good place.

Contractions were about every 45 seconds now. (Once the birth was all said and done, Justin and LaLa shared with me that they both thought they were going to have to deliver the baby in the tub because things were getting so intense).

I got out of the tub and started throwing up in the toilet. How the three of us fit in that room (the small room where the toilet is) I’ll never know! Between the contractions and throwing up, my consciousness was transported somewhere entirely different. I didn’t feel like I was on this planet. I eventually got up from the bathroom floor and remember feeling like an animal pacing around trying to find the right spot to have my next contraction. I’ve never felt so animalistic. I actually bit Justin during a contraction! Justin was incredible throughout everything. He was with me the entire way. Hardly ever letting go of my hand. Looking deeply into my eyes and telling me it was all ok. I was breathing and saying things like “help me” and “ I can’t do this”. The pain was just so intense. When I started to panic he would lovingly redirect my mind to the moment.

At some point the team arrived and my sweet girls came into the bedroom. They gave me little drawings and read me letters they had written me and the baby as I was having contractions. At one point Lily grabbed my hand, and Justin grabbed the other, while LaLa rubbed my back. We sat in a circle on my bed and they both were so strong for me. I completely surrendered to their help and trusted them when they said I was doing good and that it would be ok. It was an amazing feeling to just pour all of my trust into them, without weighing their words or analyzing the situation. I’ve never been so present in a moment. Just so fully connected to the love coming from another human. Fully trusting even though I felt so scared.

I kept wanting to go sit on the toilet during contractions. I had always thought I’d do a water birth but the idea of sitting in water sitting reclined back didn’t appeal to me. I needed be in a seated position - my body knew what to do and took over. My midwives could see this so they set out a birth chair. This is a chair very low to the ground where the seat is shaped like a C. So basically like a toilet but open in the front.

Justin guided me to the seat, as LaLa brought the girls to their bedroom, and my doula stepped in. As soon as I sat down on the birth chair my body naturally began to push. I think this was around 12:45 am. Pushing was my favorite part. It felt so exhilarating. Each time I pushed, I roared like a lion. It felt like I had turned into a Lion. I remember when I had my girls for some reason I had convinced myself that pushing without making sounds was “better” and more noble. I thought the more easy and graceful I could make it look, the better. Well, I can tell you, I did not give one flying f*ck what anyone thought of me during this birth. It was incredibly liberating and I honestly think it was the first time in my life I didn’t have a single concern what someone else was thinking - even though I was completely naked, crouched down on a chair and roaring like an animal. I felt so free to just be in my power and to do whatever it was that my very wise body was guiding me to do without analyzing - being present with my power and trusting it fully. It was the most empowering Goddess feeling I’ve ever experienced. With each push, I would use my voice to find strength and put more power behind the action. I would start with a deep grunt and it would build and climb into a higher octave. It was like singing and roaring combined. The whole time I was holding Justin’s hand in one and my midwife’s hand in the other. How my midwife managed to do all she did with one hand, I have no idea! (Btw I had two midwives present!) My face was smashed into the side of my doulas and I have no idea how I didn’t deafen her. I never knew I had that power behind my voice. I felt like my voice could move mountains. It was here in this moment I realized I was creating life. I was about to birth an entire life through my power. I pushed and felt something come out that didn’t feel like a baby. It felt squishy and easy to push out. It was the water bag leading the way. Another contraction came, I roared and pushed again. My son’s head was born. I roared and pushed a few more times (about 5–10 minutes total) and a miracle - our baby was born. Happy Theodore Sylvester was born at 12:54am on May 10, 2020 - Mother’s Day! 8.6 lbs of pure love

It didn’t hurt pushing him out (which I attribute to the rush of hormones that kick in during an unmedicated natural birth) My roaring was not reactionary. It wasn’t in response to pain. My roars were me tapping into my native, animalistic power to create life! Immediately after my son was born he was put on my chest. I could hear Justin crying tears of joy. I remember being astonished. Holding him in my arms and staring wide eyed, bewildered that this just happened. I couldn’t believe he was here. The girls came in and witnessed their baby brother’s first moments of life. Lily was crying tears of joy and Ruby was just staring in awe and silence (and probably a little shell shocked!)

Our sweet boy remained on my chest while I delivered the placenta. We then moved to the bed with the cord still attached. After about an hour Lily and Ruby helped to cut the cord. And we all snuggled as a family on our bed as we welcomed Happy into the world.

I’ll never ever forgot the power, the raw emotion, the trust, the love, and the other-worldly feelings of this night. Even though I had moments of panic, moments when I thought I couldn’t do it... I did! I accepted the help of my husband, children and team. I believed in them. I leaned into their strength and was strengthened by their love. Our son, this birth, helped me to see just how powerful I truly am. Happy is perfect in every way, just like the birth. It was truly the most special and magnificent night of my life.